Peaches and Caroline
by lexilacey27
Summary: Lucille Smith is a detective in the Major Case Squad. She just moved to NYC. She's meeting up with old friends, and she is happy for once. Then something bad enough to involve SVU happens. There will be Stabler/Smith romance and this takes place during Law & Order SVU season 1. Kathy and El are divorced. M: Swearing and rape.
1. Meeting You

**Goren POV**

I got a new partner today. Eames is now the Captain of the Major Case Squad. My new partner is Eames's cousin, Lucille Smith. The minute she told me her name, she told me to never call her Lucille. She said she hates her name, but she doesn't want to pay to change it. So I'm going to try to call her Luce. I asked Eames where she worked before but she said it's "classified". Whatever that means. All I know is that she's 29, blonde, and tall considering she's related to Eames. Oh, and those eyes. They're blue, but they have tints of green and gold in them. You can call me crazy, but I thought I saw a hint of pain in them, and the rest seemed like it all healed over time. Eames tells me she's really good at being a cop, and that every case she's had went down with an arrest. So that's all I know about her previous work. I've only seen her smile once, and it seemed forced. I have so many questions I want to ask her, but I don't want to seem rude.

**Smith POV**

I've heard what everyone's heard about this city, it's a nice place to see, but not necessarily to live. I moved because I just went undercover for a prostitution ring and it sucked. In the end, there was nothing I could really do, so I ran from the pimp, and called California's SVU. (That's where I was at the time.) I told them about the things I dealt with (for two years) and the pimp got arrested. I had a major (ha) choice: either go back to the FBI I'd been with for seven years before, or go to New York City and be part of the Major Case Squad. I chose Major Case, because to be honest, I was sick of working with the FBI. I hated traveling. I wanted to settle down (by myself) and New York City is the only ideal place for a cop who actually wants to solve cases instead of eating doughnuts. Eames told me Goren was eccentric and it might take a while for me to get used to his habits. I just told her, "No one is more eccentric than me." I met him today. God was he tall. He must have been over 6 feet. He seemed pretty normal to me. But I'm not the best judge of normal. When I told him where I've been working, he said, "Well, that's not what I expected." I laughed and said, "Well, sorry to disappoint you." He seems like a good guy. Eames told me his whole life story, which means she told him mine.

**Goren POV**

"So Eames probably told you about my stepfather, right?" Lucy said while we were doing paperwork.

"No." Of course she didn't. "What about him?"

"You really want to know?" I nodded. "Well, when I was 10, my parents divorced. My mother remarried to this man that I really didn't like from the start. She died when I was twelve, from an overdose. My mother was a lot of things, and not many of them were good, but she was no junkie. That bastard probably killed her. Well, my father and stepfather had a custody battle over me and my brother. Half the month I was with my dad, the other with my stepdad. When I was 13, he started… um, molesting me. I didn't say anything because he threatened to kill me. It went on until I was fifteen, when I drank myself into an almost coma. My stepsister found me on the floor and I went to the hospital. I told the nurses everything and then they had me on suicidal watch. He was convicted after they sent him to trial." She sighs and I realize where that pain I saw came from.

"Oh, I'm sorry—"

She cuts me off. "Everyone says that. It's not your fault. It's my mother's fault, and his. And mine. But I can't do anything about it now. At least he was nice enough to use protection."

"You know that was probably because he didn't want a kid, right?"

"Yeah, yeah. I was trying to make a joke out of it. Geesh." And she goes back to her paperwork. She seems so tough but really, I can see what will break her down now.


	2. Chloroform

_Note: I don't own any of the characters besides Lucille and her friends and I suck at making up cases so I'm using some from real episodes._

**Goren POV**

"Hey, Smith!" I said, running across the squad room. Eames would've told me to calm the hell down by now but Lucille's just at her desk laughing. I didn't think I'd get used to the change so fast, but it's been two weeks already and we're getting along well. So much for Eames saying I'm an "acquired taste".

"Yeah?"

"We have a case! Let's go!"

She gets her jacket and I drive. We get to the street where some guy was walking from a bank and then blew up because he had a bomb strapped to himself. Lucille kept saying it was a murder and I kept saying it was a suicide. It probably was a murder, but I just wanted her to get her suspicions in order and make sure there was no way it was a suicide.

_2 days later_

**Smith POV**

"Maybe I could stick my feet in a wishing well. Pocket full of pennies maybe I could get some help. I got a hole in my heart like the holes in my jeans. I try to patch it up with anything and everything." I sang. A week ago, I found out that Kayleigh, Anthony and Andrea were in town. They are friends from my hometown. We had a band in high school and now we're playing in bars whenever we can. Kayleigh is an A.D.A., Andrea is a stay-at-home mom because some idiot knocked her up in high school, and Anthony is an ELA teacher. We sang a few more and then Kayleigh dropped me off a block away from my apartment. I had a little more to drink than I should have, but I thought I wasn't drunk enough to not be able to walk to my door. Next thing I knew, someone came behind me and I smelled chloroform. I blacked out.


	3. Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People?

_Note: I know I said that it was taking place in season one of Law & Order: SVU but let's pretend Logan and Barek were part of the Major Case Squad by then. _

**Smith POV**

I woke up and I was in my room. I was sweating and I saw a man in my room. "Oh, so you're awake," he said. He ripped my bra off and I wished I hadn't woken up. He put himself in me and I closed my eyes and tried to pretend I wasn't there. I must've blacked out again, because when I woke up he was gone and I was in a pool of my blood. I heard my phone ringing and I knew it was either Eames or Goren. I couldn't find the strength to get up. My phone kept ringing and I knew they were worried sick. I was probably over an hour late by now. I tried getting up by I winced and fell back. I whimpered and passed out.

**Goren POV**

"Eames, she's not answering. I called her 10 times. I think something happened."

"Okay, we're gonna have to go to her apartment first. Hopefully she's there."

We drove and it reminded of old times, except for both of us were having anxiety attacks and we weren't saying a word. We finally got there and we didn't even have to kick down the door. "Well, there's a condom wrapper over here," I said, and I knew what probably happened. Eames walked into her bedroom and froze. I followed her and turned around once I saw her. It was worse than any crime scene I'd been to. She wasn't even entirely in her bra; it was thrown on her chest. Eames was screaming at the CSU's to call SVU and I just stood there frozen. Her hair was soaked with her blood. I snapped out of it and felt for a pulse. "She's still alive!" and an EMT came and put her on a gurney. I walked outside and Eames was crying on the steps.

"Damn it! Damn it! I—I can't believe this. First that bastard of a stepfather and now this? All she ever wanted was to be an innocent. She wanted the whole white picket fence deal. She wanted two kids, she wanted a good husband. She wanted to lose her virginity on her wedding night. After college, she told me she thought she had a second chance. She only ever slept with one other guy after her stepfather. They were in college." She smiles when she says that but I know she's not done crying. I sit down and put my arm around her shoulder. "He's a detective now, too. She was mad at him for a while. Tried to charge him with date rape. But she got over it because she said she wasn't gonna be a virgin again. They were dating for the longest time, whenever she could, if the FBI was around where he was, she'd come see him. She said she loved him to death, but it'd never work out because he was a womanizer that was deprived of sex and he'd probably see other woman when she was away. But I could see it: He really loved her. He might've hooked up with other girls, but she was away, and he didn't want to be alone. She ended it when she went to the prostitution ring, she wasn't going to see him, and so there was no point. She doesn't deserve this. Whoever the sick bastard is, I'm helping SVU find him and arrest him." I don't know why she decided to tell me about this detective she was dating, but she's in distress and frankly so am I, so I let it go and listened.

"Hey Eames, you want to go see her now?" She wiped her eyes and nodded.

"I just have to call Logan and Barek and tell them that your case is theirs and that Logan's in charge for now."

I drove and I saw Eames trying not to cry again. "Look, I'm not the best at comforting people, but she's going to live."

She smiles weakly and we get to the hospital. We get to her room and she looks a lot better. The nurses tell us she'll be asleep in 7-10 minutes. Two detectives from Special Victims are there. I wave and tell them that she's my partner and Eames is her boss and cousin. "Eames?" She says weakly. I miss the way I used to see her, strong and tough, instead of broken-down and tired.

"Yeah?"

"Am I gonna be okay? My head really hurts."

"I hope so. I really do." Her voice tells me that she's threatening to break down again, any second.

The SVU detectives came over to the bed. The man spoke first. "Hi. I'm Detective Elliot Stabler and over there is my partner, Olivia Benson. We're going to find out who did this. We promise."

"What if he skipped town? What then? What if he's in another country right now? What if right this second he's raping another girl?" Lucille said. I was surprised to hear that strength in her voice.

"Lucy, we will find him. If we don't, you have my permission to fire me. So he did rape you?" Benson said.

"Yes. I don't remember much, he came up behind me, I was walking to my apartment, and it was around 2 in the morning. I passed out, he must have used chloroform. I remember waking up right before he raped me. I fell asleep again and when I woke up I was bleeding like hell. I heard my phone and tried to get up, but I couldn't. I passed out again, and now I'm here."

"Can you give us a physical description?" Stabler asked her. I thought that it might've been nice to give her a day to rest, but I guess that's how the victims forget details.

"Uh, he was tall, tan. Dark, curly hair. Dark eyes. That's all I remember."

"Thank you." He said, and then he sat down. She fell asleep. They started the rape kit and we had a conversation about police work and Eames asked to help with the case. They said she probably could, which meant I was going to be at the Major Case Squad without a partner or a Captain. Benson and Stabler had to go back to SVU to see if there were any sex offenders that matched the description she gave. Eames and I spent the rest of the day in her room. Kayleigh, an A.D.A. who was one of her close friends, stopped in and cried for an hour. She'd been informed by SVU this afternoon, and she had been a nervous wreck all day. She talked to Eames after her crying session for another hour. I wanted to catch the bastard as much as Eames, but there's a reason why I investigate homicides and not sexually-based offenses. It's too personal to the victim for me. It feels like there's even more pressure because there's a victim waiting to be avenged. I guess I was in too much of a shock to cry. I really did not think something like this would happen to her. I must've fallen asleep, because next thing I knew, Stabler was back in the room and Eames told me her other two friends had stopped in too. I fell back asleep on purpose this time and so did Eames.


	4. Healing

**Smith POV**

I didn't know what I should have been feeling. It had already happened to me before, but this time it was different because I didn't know the attacker and he whacked my head with a knife. He probably didn't know that I was a cop. He wanted me to be dead, but he didn't do it right. What scares me the most is I don't know who it was. It could have been a personal attack, or it could've been some sick psychopath. The Special Victims Unit detectives took my statement and I had to be in the hospital for the next week due to "severe head trauma." Eames was helping Benson find my attacker so I was stuck with Stabler. Eames knew I hated therapists, so I guess she thought if I talked to a cop about this, I'd be better off. I slept most of the time. Andrea brought her kids in to see me and brought me flowers. What am I supposed to do with flowers? I guess it's the thought that counts.

**Stabler POV**

I don't know what it was about her case, but I wanted to be off it. I guess I knew I was going to get too involved in it. So I let Eames take my place and I just stayed in her room. I'm not the only one shying away from this case, either. Brian Cassidy has been acting really weird about it and has been losing track of what he's doing. It's tough; I guess when another detective is attacked. The only thing she's said to me was her statement. "Have you found my attacker yet? 'Cause whenever I look up you're here staring at me."

"Uh, well you're cousin and my partner are trying. You can help by telling me if there are any jealous exes you know of."

"Well, when I was in college this guy asked me out and I said no. He was really mad starting throwing things around. He got kicked out. But that was 10 years ago. You really think he'd hold a grudge for that long?"

"Maybe."

"So, are you divorced?

"What? Oh, yeah. How'd you know?"

"Lucky guess. Kids?"

"Four."

"Four? Wow. Child support must be at least half your paycheck."

"Yeah, I guess. So we were going through your records… We—" and she cut me off.

"Yeah, you saw about my stepfather. So what? It's over. It affected my life, but it's over."

"Well, I was going to say I'm sorry. I know you don't want to hear it, but I am. And about this too."

"Well, I'm sorry about your wife leaving you. I know why. You're a detective, an SVU detective, no less. Undercover, getting called in at 3 in the morning, never knowing if you're going to be home… That's a lot for a… what do we call them? Outsiders?" I laugh at that. For a rape victim, emotionally she seems like she's doing pretty well.

"What about you?"

"Well, if you looked at my records, you'd know that I'm not married, and no boyfriend as of right now either. It's kind of hard when you're undercover as a prostitute to go on a real date."

"Oh, that's right. That must've sucked."

"It did. Which is why I was happy as hell to be out of there."

"So now you're in Major Case. Why didn't you go back to the FBI?"

"I don't know. My cousin offered me this job, so I took it. Major Case is…well, interesting. My partner is, let's just say eccentric. He doesn't bother me as much as he bothered my cousin though. How old are you anyway?"

"Thirty-four. Why?"

"Thirty-four. Well, one of my life goals would not be to have four kids by that age. If I didn't know better, I'd say you left her to get away from the kids. Don't take any offense to that. I'm sure they're great. But gosh…"

"Eh, it's quiet now. Lonely, even. I don't really miss her though. She was a real bitch in divorce court. She kept saying that I was never home. Well, obviously. I work. But I get the kids on Friday nights until Sunday nights."

"Well, at least she let you see them. When my parents got divorced I was with my mom 24/7."

"So, anyway," I said, changing the subject before we'd get into her stepfather again, "standard procedure is changing your locks on your door, and I'd think it's best if someone drove you to work from now on. If it's easier, I'll drive you, since it's my job."

"We'll work something out."

**Benson POV**

I was going through Lucille's apartment with Eames and Cassidy to see if we could find anything. This case was awful. I knew I was going to end up kicking around the attacker when we got him. "Found a knife. Yes! There's a hair on it. It's too dark to be Lucille's." Cassidy said. A CSU bagged it and I started going through drawers.

"Well, there's nothing in here." I said, and closed the last one. "Cassidy, don't pick that up."

"Why?"

"That's probably the chloroform soaked gag he used to make her pass out. This guy wants to get caught. He left a hair, a knife and the gag."

"Stabler just called. We might have a lead. There was a guy who asked her out in college. Way back when, she used to tell me she really liked him and he knew. She was probably 10 and then her parents divorced and she got over him. He asked her out in college and she said no. He tried to hurt her but someone stopped him and he got kicked out. Name's David Bacdayan."

"Okay." I said. "You alright?"

"No." Eames sighed. "I feel like I'm taking it worse than she is."

"Well, it's probably too much for her to take in right now. She's shoving it aside because it's easier that way. It's going to end up sinking in sooner or later."

"That's what I'm afraid of. Emotionally, she isn't the most stable person."

"Which is why Stabler offered to be her therapist." I smiled. "She'll get better. Trust me. I've seen it happen many times before. She's never going to be the same, but she'll get better."

"Thanks."

"Hey, you look like you need a drink."

"God knows I do."

"We'll go out later. As of right now, let's go back to SVU. We'll pull records on David. Cassidy, call Munch about the lead."

"On it."

"There might be seminal fluid on the sheets. Can you bag them?" And a CSU did. My phone rang. "Hold on."

"Well, of course it came back positive. How's she doing?" I laughed and hung up.

"That was Stabler. The rape test came back positive. He said that Lucy just started talking to him. He said she's doing well, considering other rape victims he's seen."

"That's good." Eames said. "Let's go." She smiles weakly and I see her heal, just a little.


	5. Wrong Is Right

**Stabler POV**

"So it's either the college guy, or maybe someone who knew the pimp she was undercover with," Benson told me. "Hey, have you been sleeping in her room?"

"Yes. I thought she'd take it better if she wasn't alone." She laughs. "What?"

"Are you sure it's not more than that?"

It takes me a while to realize what she's saying. "What! No, I don't… Okay, maybe I'm getting a little too emotionally involved in this case and that's all."

"Okay. Sure. She seems like a perfect replacement for Kathy." I stare at her. "Okay, look. I'm your partner. I told you when I was sleeping with Cassidy, so it's only fair if it works both ways. You can tell me about how you sleep with rape victims."

"That is awful. I-I would never sleep with her when she's like this."

"So you do have the hots for her?"

"I wasn't overanalyzing it like I am now, thanks to you. But I suppose so. I mean, I don't know. She's everything Kathy wasn't."

"Isn't that what you want?"

"I don't know."

"Well, she's getting out today."

"Yeah. You think she'll be alright?"

"I don't know. She hasn't been alone for a week. She's going to be scared."

"Don't tell her cousin that."

"I've been working with her all week. Of course I'm not gonna tell her that. Did you give her your card?"

"No, why?"

"She might need it." She smiles at me and walks down the hallway of the hospital. I sigh and go back in her room.

"So you're getting out today. Here's my card, call me if you need anything."

"Elliot, I'm going to be fine. I think." She smiles, but it seems forced. She takes my card anyway. A nurse comes in and I step out of the room. A few minutes later, she comes out and I drive her to her apartment. I give her the new keys to her apartment and she walks toward the door. She turns around and smiles at me and walks into the building.

**Smith POV**

I didn't tell him that I didn't think I was going to be fine. It was early, so I wasn't scared, but I kept thinking about being alone at night. I probably sounded like a three-year-old scared of the dark, but I guess it just started sinking in: _I'm alone, I was raped a week ago, anything can happen. _I tried to distract myself by watching reruns of _**Seinfeld, **_which I don't even care for. I wouldn't even contemplate going in my bedroom. If anything, I'd sleep on the couch, but I didn't think I was getting any sleep tonight. Around 8, Benson called me and asked if I was alright. I told her I was, but I think she could tell I was lying because she told me she was sending Stabler over.

I waited 15 minutes and he was at my door. "I thought you told me you were fine."

"I might've been stretching the truth a little bit." I said and bit my lip.

"Um, I don't think you'd want to sleep here. Considering…"

"Yeah, I don't really want to…" And then we just stood there staring at each other. I laughed nervously, and he said, "Well, then let's go. Or if you need to get anything…"

"Yeah, hold on a second." I walked down my hallway and stepped into my room for the first time since the attack. I sighed and wondered what the hell he was doing… am I sleeping at his place? I just wanted to get the hell out of my apartment, and I didn't really want to be alone, so I got clothes for tomorrow. I walked out of my room and walked with him to the car. He took my hand and told me I was going to be okay. I almost believed him.

**Stabler POV**

It had been forever since I'd had anyone besides my kids in my apartment. I genuinely felt bad for what happened to her, and this time it went deeper than any other rape victim I'd dealt with. Maybe it was because she was a detective, but deep down I knew it was because of what her stepfather did to her before all that happened. I let her take my bed and I fell asleep on the couch. Around three, I heard her whimpering and I walked into the room. I took her in my arms and tried my best to comfort her. "Hey, shh. Shh. I'm right here, it's gonna be okay." She fell asleep and I didn't want to wake her by leaving so I stayed in there with her.

**Smith POV**

It had been forever since someone had held me like that. I calmed down when he came in there. I think if it had been anyone else I would've pushed them off. It really should've been awkward in the morning, but when I woke up, he just smiled at me and I forced a smile back. Sometimes, what should be wrong is right.


	6. Can You Keep A Secret, Alex?

**Smith POV**

"I'm sorry about last night," I told Elliot as he poured me coffee.

"Don't be. It's only natural that you were scared."

"I-I thought I wouldn't be though. I was fine in the hospital. I thought I'd be fine because it already happened before, in a way. But then it started sinking in."

"I'll be here every step of the way. I promise."

I smiled at him and really meant it. I was going to tell him that I know this isn't standard procedure, but last night took me back to when I was in college:

"_Lucy, why didn't you tell me what he did to you? I never would've forced you into it like that if I knew!" He's screaming at me and I'm wishing I'd never pressed charges._

"_Brian, I didn't know how to tell you! I'm sorry. I've just been scared… ever since that happened." He hugs me and I try not to cry._

"_I'm going to make it up to you. One day, I'll be catching men like that." And I fell asleep in his embrace._

I've tried to forget him, but we spent so much time together, it's impossible. I remember telling him we were over because I couldn't deal with it anymore. I was always away, and he was probably with other girls while I was gone. I wondered if he missed me…

"Lucy? You alright?" and suddenly I'm aware that Elliot is trying to get my attention.

"Yeah… Sorry." I drank the rest of my coffee and he looked concerned. "What?"

"Nothing. Are you going to work or…?"

"Might as well." I said, not really knowing what else I was going to do.

**Stabler POV**

"I mean, she's not right." Munch says.

"Who?" I say as I walk in.

"Lucille. Most rape victims, and I'm talking about her stepfather, not what just happened, they grow up to be violent, not detectives. I mean, I would've thought she'd have killed at least 10 people by now."

"Well, she's not most rape victims then. But she's mine." I say, with a stupid grin on my face. She's not really mine. I haven't asked her out or anything, so I don't even know why I said that. But, boy, did I get a reaction. Cassidy spit out his coffee, Jeffries and Munch stared at me like I had three heads, and Benson tried to stifle a laugh. "What?" And then I see her cousin in the room. _Damnit. I'm dead now. _

"Excuse me? But she's not okay enough for you to be sleeping with her right now. Is this helping you solve the case? Because I sure as hell don't sleep with murder suspects."

"I'm sorry, but you misunderstood. I didn't say anything about sleeping with her…" I tried to explain but she slapped me across the face and damn did it hurt! Benson took her aside and said something about Lucy being in good hands. Munch comes over and whispers, "She might be tiny, but I wouldn't want to piss her off."

"All of you in here now!" Cragen calls us into his office. "We might have the location for suspect #1. Munch and Cassidy, go work on that. Benson and Eames, please excuse yourselves for now." They walk out and I know I'm going to get yelled at. "What the hell are you doing, sleeping with rape victims?"

"I don't know how much you heard, but I didn't actually sleep with her. She is terrified. She doesn't want to have to sleep in the room the act took place in."

"Okay, now I see it. I was wondering what you were doing this whole week. You were in her room the whole time she was in the hospital. However emotionally involved you've gotten in a case, you've never done that. Is it because she's a detective? Or her stepfather? Or do you think she can replace the feeling of losing Kathy?"

"I don't miss Kathy. I don't like being alone though. I just, I just don't know if I can love like that again. But I'd like to try with Lucy. I think. I mean, I don't know."

"Well, make sure you don't piss off her cousin again. Please. Because she can make me and you lose our jobs."

"Well aware. She's just as scared as Lucy, I think. I'll do my best to get on her good side from now on."

**Eames POV**

I sighed and wished I hadn't lashed out at him like that. I saw in his eyes what I saw in Lucy's previous boyfriend's eyes. I guess it's impossible not to see her like that. She's beautiful, but not in a way that boasts it. She survived all that abuse with her wits intact, and real men find that abuse awful, and they're going to love her more for that. Even though we aren't sisters, she's still like one to me. She helped me get through my husband passing, and I feel like I owe her so that's why I'm so overprotective of her.

"Did it hurt?" I asked him. He nods and holds his jaw. I followed him into a room, and he got ice. "Sorry. I've just been nervous about her since the attack."

"I know." What he doesn't know is I'm judging him on how well he'll be with Lucille. "Can you keep a secret?"

"Depends what it is. Is it about Lucille?"

"Yes, and technically I just need you to keep it from her."

"Okay."

"I like her. Like really bad. It took everything in me last night not to kiss her. I don't want to force myself on her because that's what every man in her life that I know about has done to her…." And he trails off. I feel bad for him, because I can only imagine how difficult it is to know how far to push when you're dealing with something as fragile as Lucille. And little does he know her old boyfriend works here. I've known, and we agreed when we investigated her case that we wouldn't speak of it.

"Well, I assume you want advice." He nods. "Be polite, but not too polite. She gets turned off when men try too hard. If she doesn't like you back, there's nothing I can do. If there's something more specific that you need to ask, no one knows her better than me, except maybe her friends, so if I don't know something I'll send you to one of them."

"Thanks. I thought I'd have to fight tooth and nail to get you to give me permission."

"Let's just say I think you'd be good for her."


	7. Wishful Thinking

_Note: I wrote all of the Miranda Rights because I didn't know they were that long and I find them interesting. I looked it up and HAD to put them in there because they never say the whole thing in the episodes._

**Stabler POV**

"Do you know her?" I show our prime suspect a picture of Lucille.

"Yes. We went to college together."

"What are you doing in New York? You're from Massachusetts."

"I can't go on trip? What is this about?"

"You tell me. How long have you been out here?"

"Two weeks."

"Why?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Stop prolonging this so you can think of a good reason to be out here. Answer the damn question."

"Aren't I supposed to have a lawyer?"

"You haven't been arrested—yet. So, no."

"Trip for leisure."

"Oh, yeah? What did you see? The Empire State building? The Statue of Liberty? The inside of Lucille Smith's apartment?"

"What? No…"

"Yes. We'll get the DA to allow us to get your DNA. It'll match the hair we found there. Unless, you have anything to say now…"

"What, you think I did this? I didn't rape her!"

"Okay, you're under arrest. Stand up."

"Wait, for what?"

"You are under arrest for the rape of Lucille Smith. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to consult to an attorney before speaking to the police and to have an attorney present during questioning now or in the future. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you before any questioning, if you wish. If you decide to answer any questions now, without an attorney present, you will still have the right to stop answering at any time until you talk to an attorney. Knowing and understanding your rights as I have explained them to you, are you willing to answer my questions without an attorney present?"

"No. But can you answer my question first?" I nodded. "Why am I being arrested?"

"This case wasn't in the papers. I didn't say anything about her being raped."  
He sighed and the guards took him out and put him in holding.

"You think he did it?" Benson asked me.

"I don't know. There's a possibility he just assumed, but he didn't argue with my reasoning."

"Should we tell Lucille?"

"Yes." I said and walked out of the Interrogation Room. "It's my lunch hour, so maybe I can catch up with her now. Major Case isn't that far."

"You actually let her go to work?"  
"I kept trying to talk her out of it but she wasn't hearing it. I even told her I'd stay with her." I laugh, remembering her reaction:  
_"Elliot, you've taken enough time out because of me."_

"_Oh come on, you shouldn't be going to work and you know it."_

"_I don't care."_

"_Come on, 'splain it to me, Lucy." She rolls her eyes. "What, you don't like my Desi Arnaz impression?" She laughs and tells me she's going no matter what I say._

"Okay, have fun on your date." Benson laughs.

"It's not a date, yet." I say as I walk out of Special Victims. I get to Major Case in 10 minutes, and I wasted 15 minutes of my lunch hour but I don't care. I'm hoping it's her lunch hour too, because if it's not, I'm screwed.

"Hey, Lucy," I say as I get to her desk. "You okay?"

"Kind of. I'm distracted right now, but I can't deny the fact that it happened. I suppose it would be worse if I said I was okay, wouldn't it? I shouldn't be okay, I guess."

"Well, I have something to tell you that might help you feel somewhat better."

"And?"

"Come on." She follows me, obviously confused. We walk until I reach a hotdog stand. It isn't much, but I don't want her to get the wrong idea and I'm short on time.

"Elliot, what the hell is it?"

We sit down on a bench and I tell her about the suspect in custody. "Really? Do you think he did it?"

"He matched your description."

She turns towards me and her knee touches mine. I felt a rush of adrenaline I knew I shouldn't have been feeling. I wanted her… and I had no idea if she even thought of me as a friend. "So? Lots of men match that description." She didn't even seem faltered by it. Boy, was I in deep.

"You have a point, but I didn't say anything about a rape to him. This wasn't in papers. Anyway, we're questioning him tomorrow."

"Good. I just want this to be over." She gets up and I walk her back to Major Case.

"I can pick you up later." I say, hoping it doesn't sound like: _Please let me pick you up because I want you so bad._

"Okay," she says and sits at her desk. "But you're dropping me off at my friend's house." I try not to look too disappointed and her partner walks over and I wave at him and go back to Special Victims.

"So how was your date?" Benson asks me.

"Oh, will you shut up?" But I'm smiling, which I haven't _really _done in weeks. "It wasn't a date."

"But you wish that it was."

"Maybe, but that doesn't change anything."


	8. Girl Talk

**Smith POV**

Elliot dropped me off at Kayleigh's apartment, and he told me again if I needed anything to call him.

"Don't even bother asking if I'm okay. Just get me a freaking drink."

"No." She tells me. "The hospital said you can't drink with the pain meds."

"Damn it." She's smiling like an idiot. "What's up with you?"

"Vincent proposed today."

"Good for you."

"You don't sound too happy."

I sighed. "Because…I thought I'd be married by now. I mean, Andrea already has three freaking kids, now you're getting married, and I'm getting raped—again."

"Andrea's pregnant again. Her husband came back from his business trip and you know that sex is all he married her for. She doesn't believe in abortion, so now she's stuck pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen, just like he wants her to be." She hands me a soda. "You didn't have to break up with Brian."

"Yes, I did. I knew he was off having one night stands when I was gone. I can't give him what he wants in that department because I'm freaking scared. Plus, I was gone more than half the time. It never would've worked."

"I suppose not. You'll find him someday."

"This is exactly what you told me fifteen years ago, and look at me now."

"What about Elliot?"

"Elliot as in Stabler? He's divorced, has four kids, even if I thought he has an interest in me, I would never be able to deal with that."

"I don't know; you might surprise yourself. How old are they?"

"Maureen is fifteen, Kathleen is ten, and Richard and Elizabeth are six. It's not that bad but I don't even really know if I like him…"

"You're not telling me something." We've been friends since elementary school so we know each other very well; at times it's scary. So I told her about last night.

"I think he likes you."

"What? No. He's probably still hung up on his wife. My dad had problems with my stepmom all the time because of that. He just wants something to fill the void." But deep down, now I was almost hoping that he did want me, even if it was only a little bit.

"I don't know… I think he might just want you… Didn't he tell you his wife was a bitch in divorce court? What kind of man that's still hanging on says that?"  
"One who's lying." But I didn't sense him lying. I was an FBI profiler for 7 years, so I guess it paid off. "But maybe… I don't know. Now I'm overanalyzing everything because of you."

"You're welcome."

"I fucking hate you." But she knows I'm kidding. "Did you pick out a dress yet?"

"No, not yet. I don't want to rush into it. Plus I need your expert advice."

"Don't wear white. We all know that you're no virgin."

"My mother doesn't, and she doesn't have to either. So I'm wearing white."

"Fine. Just lie to your poor mother then."

"There is no law that says you have to be a virgin to wear white."

"I know." After that we watch old sappy romance movies and order pizza. Just like high school. She's the only friend I felt this close too. Andrea was such a hypocrite, and I don't deal with that well. She always said she was going to have kids one day, but then she'd call the girls who had kids at sixteen sluts, and then she turned into one of them. Her parents were pissed and they barely talk to her now. They were devout Christians, and it's always the ones whose parents are like that who do stupid things. Even at 12, she was boy crazy. She couldn't have a boyfriend until she was 25, yet she'd had two by then when Kayleigh only had one, and I didn't have one. Anthony was only in the band because he was kicked out of the "Populars" because he kept talking to the "Unpopulars" which was frowned upon. He basically came to us, and because we're so nice we took him in. We shouldn't have. Andrea also didn't listen to my problems. When I told her about my stepfather (in a very watered-down way, I didn't want to tell her much in case she was really reading it, then she would've gone to someone and I honestly thought my stepfather would kill me; all I said was that he hit me) and she told me that if that was all I had to tell her she was busy and she needed to have a fun weekend. I got really pissed, and the only reason we stayed even remotely close was because of Kayleigh.

After we watched the second movie, I called Elliot because I didn't have my car.

**Stabler POV  
**I was hoping (and this is awful) that she'd still be too scared to go back to her apartment so she'd stay over again.

"You know you don't have to do this," She tells me as she gets in the car.

"I know," I sigh, thinking of a way I can explain it without it being obvious that I like her. I was holding back because she had just been raped, and I'm sure she doesn't really like the fact that I have four kids. I could cop her, and tell her we're just one big family and we're supposed to stick together, but our departments don't cross unless absolutely necessary and I know she'll use that against me. She doesn't seem like she needs an explanation so I leave it at that. "So what did you do?" I asked her, and immediately wished I didn't. It wasn't my business. "Girl talk?"

She smiles and says, "Yeah, girl talk." She must think I'm the biggest idiot in the world. Why can't I just come out with it already?


	9. Drunken Confessions

**Stabler POV**

I was driving Lucy to my house after work and she wasn't talking. "Is everything okay?" She ignored me. I didn't want to press, but I did want to know. We got to my apartment and she threw a newspaper on the counter.

"This is what's wrong, okay?" I looked at it: **Steve Johnson: Molested his Stepdaughter and out in 15 years**.

"Lucy? This is your stepfather?"

"Yes! And in my mind he didn't serve his time! It's not freaking right!" I wanted to hug her, tell her it was going to be okay, but it was just too awkward, and I knew she needed to get this out of her system. I got her some water. "He's only out because they need to make more room for new criminals. He's on parole, but it's still not right! He was supposed to serve 20, at the very least!"

"I know. I'm sorry." And this time I did hug her. "Sorry, force of habit."

"Elliot, I have to go." And she left.

**Smith POV**

I hailed a cab and went back to my apartment. I wanted to be alone. I was sick of him babying me or whatever the hell he was doing. I got in my car and started driving. I finally got to a highway, and kept driving. I had nowhere to go, just far enough away to clear my mind. After 20 minutes of silence, I turned on the radio. This came on:

_Bet your window's rolled down and your hair's pulled back  
And I bet you got no idea you're going way too fast  
You're trying not to think about what went wrong  
Trying not to stop 'til you get where you goin'  
You're trying to stay awake so I bet you turn on the radio  
And the song goes I can't live without you, I can't live without you, baby  
I can't live without you, I can't live without you, baby, baby_

The highway won't hold you tonight  
The highway don't know you're alive  
The highway don't care if you're all alone  
But I do, I do.  
The highway won't dry your tears  
The highway don't need you here  
The highway don't care if you're coming home  
But I do, I do.

I bet you got a dead cell phone in your shotgun seat  
Yeah, I bet you're bending God's ear talking 'bout me.  
You're trying not to let the first tear fall out  
Trying not to think about turning around  
You're trying not to get lost in the sound but that song is always on  
So you sing along

I can't live without you, I can't live without you, baby  
I can't live without I can't live without you baby, oh baby

The highway won't hold you tonight  
The highway don't know you're alive  
The highway don't care if you're all alone  
But I do, I do.  
The highway won't dry your tears  
The highway don't need you here  
The highway don't care if you're coming home  
But I do, I do.

I can't live without you, I can't live without you, baby  
I can't live without I can't live without you, baby, oh baby

The highway don't care  
The highway don't care  
The highway don't care  
But I do, I do.

I can't live without you, I can't live without you, baby  
I can't live without I can't live without you, baby, oh baby  
(The highway don't care  
The highway don't care  
The highway don't care  
But I do, I do)  
_[x3]___

I can't live without you, I can't live without you, baby 

It was weird how the song related to my situation so well. I wondered if Elliot did care that I left… But that wasn't the biggest of my concerns at the moment. There was nothing I could do about my stepfather. I didn't know where I was going to go now. Instinct was to go to a bar and drink it all off my mind, but I can't because of the pain meds and I had no one to drive me home. I started driving again. Around 8, right when I was driving back to my apartment, Benson called me. She told me Elliot was at a bar, getting drunk and he wouldn't go with her. Awesome. Just what I wanted to deal with. But I knew I had to because he would do the same thing. It took me an hour to get there. I guess I drove farther than I thought. But what does that mean if I left and the only thing he thought of doing was getting drunk? Maybe Kayleigh was right…

I got to the bar and I wasn't even that close to him and I could already smell the alcohol. This is going to be fun. "How much did he drink?" I asked the bartender.

"Five beers and he's working on that whiskey right now."

"You guys suck. I mean, obviously he's past the legal limit." Before I could rant anymore, Elliot started singing:

"The more I drink, the more I drink, the more I drink. Yeah if I'll have one, I'll have thirteen, and they can't get me off the karaoke machine…" Surprising taste of music for someone who's lived in New York all his life. What was also surprising is the fact that he remembered the lyrics.

"See what I mean?"

"Oh, take a break, lady. You are twenty-one, because if you are, a Cosmo is on the house if you don't rat us out. What do you say?"

"Thanks for the compliment, because I am past twenty-one." I got a "you don't look it" from Elliot before I could continue. "But no thanks. If you haven't realized, I'm kind of in charge of this." I pointed at him, and he was playing with my hair. It took everything in me not to smack his hand.

"Really? He's your boyfriend? No wonder why you look like you need a break. You been crying? I can make it better if you follow me in the back." At that point Elliot tried to punch him in the face. He was so drunk that he missed. The bartender started laughing. Elliot wasn't going to let it slide, and I didn't have the chance to stop him before his fist actually came in contact with the bastard's—I mean bartender's—face.

"Damnit!" And a slew of profanity from the bartender's mouth came as I dragged Elliot off the barstool. He couldn't really walk, so he was leaning in me. Not comfortable at all.

"Get in the damn car Elliot! Boy do you owe me one." He couldn't get in by himself so I had to help him do that and seatbelt.

"Lucy? Is that you? What are you doing here? You're not a fucking prostitute..." Drunk babbling. Boy, was this déjà vu or what? My grandmother, my stepfather and occasionally my father would get this drunk.

"Yes it's Lucy. And you got fucking drunk as a sailor so you're going to pay for it tomorrow. Hangover's gonna be a bitch."

We finally got to my apartment and he almost fell on the floor. Twice. "Lucy? Guess what?" He slurred.

"What now?"

"I love you Lucy…" Some people say that your true feelings come out when you're drunk. I didn't really believe it until he tried to kiss me. He almost would have if he didn't stumble. Instead his lips were on my collarbone.

I pushed him off and said, "Okay, let's try to control our alcohol-infused hormones and go to sleep before you throw up somewhere and I have to clean it." I helped him to the couch and turned on the TV and started watching _Reba. _What if he really did have feelings for me though? I sighed and watched another two hours of reruns until I fell asleep on the other couch.


	10. Must I say it in a Different Language?

**Stabler POV**

I woke up in a room I'd never been in, but the main thing I noticed was my head pounding like hell. I smelled my shirt and it reeked of alcohol. All I remembered from yesterday was work, driving Lucy home, and then she was ranting about something…and next thing I knew I was in a bar. Was I in Lucy's apartment? I must be. I sat up and winced. It hurt even more now. How much did I drink? This has got to be the worst hangover I've ever had. I got up anyway and surveyed my surroundings. This _was_ Lucy's apartment. I walked out of what I guess was the guest bedroom and into what had to have been the kitchen. Lucy was on the phone but I walked in anyway.

"Hold on a second." She said as she turned towards me. "Jesus, Elliot! You could've at least put some freaking pants on!" And she chucked a goddamn baseball at me. It only hit my shoulder, but it still hurt. She had aim. And it was a real freaking baseball. I'm not kidding. I looked down and realized I was naked from the waist down. Goddamnit! What the hell _did _I do last night? "Elliot! Go! Please!"

"My pants weren't in the room!" I said, hoping I remembered right. She throws me my pants and turns toward the wall. I put them on and wondered what the hell I did. She picks up the phone again and says, "I got to go. It's awake."

"What did I do?"

"Well, you got drunk; but I think that was already established. You wouldn't go with Benson. You asked for me. I took you here from the bar. You passed out for a while and woke me up. You started stripping. You ran in the guest room so I just shut the door and prayed you wouldn't come back out. You didn't. And there _were _pants in that room. They were my ex's, but I left them out, hoping you'd realize you were half naked. But you didn't." She laughs.

"What else?"

"Nice ass tattoo."

I laugh and say, "I was 18 and stupid when I got that, okay?"

"Okay, just like you were 17 and even more stupid when you knocked up Kathy?"

I gave her a look and said, "No, and if I was talking about her, I'm sorry that you had to listen to that."

"Hmm, well you weren't."

"Good." I told her I'd make eggs and she said it's the least I could do considering what she had to deal with last night.

"Why do you even have your ex's pants? You haven't been living here that long."

"Our clothes got mixed up one time when I flew out to see him. I never gave them back, but he never gave me back my scarf either. That was his baseball I threw at you too."

"Oh, great. Did he play?"

"For a while, in college. He dropped it after and took criminology."

"Oh. So you only date men in your field of work?"

"Depends."

"Hey, you got any aspirin?"

"Yeah, in that cabinet over there." She pointed and I got the bottle but it was almost half empty already.

"Hey, Lucy? Are you addicted to these because again, I must point out—"

"Elliot?"

"Yeah?"

"Cállate."

"Fine. But if you have a problem I know a guy—"

"I guess you don't speak Spanish."

"No, I do."

"Well then you're just being a bastard right now, huh?"

"Kind of. What else do you speak?"

"French, Italian, some Chinese, and Russian. You?"

"All of those except Russian. I also speak Czech."

"Okay, say something in French. I'm a little rusty."

"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" And she smacks me on the back of my head. I deserved it. "Is that a no?"

"Non, Elliot. J'aimerais que vous me faites votre petite pute."

"Oh, vraiment? Donc c'est un oui?"

"Non.Je ne suis pas cher mais je ne suis pas libre."

"Je suis offensé. Je dois payer maintenant?"

"Okay, that's enough now. And yes. Sex is never free, no matter what the situation."


	11. Seven Years and a Kiss or Two

**Smith POV**

_I wasn't the one to go for the really sporty guys or the ones that slept around. Brian was a little bit of both, yet he seemed different. He played baseball. New York City picked him to play on their college team. He asked me to go to his game. His team won and after he took me out on school grounds. We threw around his baseball._

"_You throw pretty well for a girl, you know." I give him a look. "You have any brothers?"_

"_Yeah, but he's younger than me. He never played."_

"_He never played anything?"_

"_No contact sports. He did karate for a while. But he dropped it."_

"_Oh. I'm sick of this now. Let's sit down." He took my hand and I knew this was probably just his routine. But I could see why girls get sucked into this. He was good looking, there was no denying that. He was a sweet-talker. Kayleigh's warning words echoed in my head: "He's just going to leave you when he gets what he wants." But I wanted to change that. I wanted to change his ways. Make him want to settle down for a while. "So why do you want to be a cop?" He asks me._

"_It runs in the family. My uncle was and my cousin is too. Besides, it fascinates me. You must really hate someone to risk being in jail for 25 to life for killing them."_

"_True." We're lying down on the grass now, and he still has my hand in his. Am I falling for him? I couldn't tell. "My dad was a tax accountant," he tells me. "He wants me to find a steady job like he did."_

"_So you do the exact opposite."_

_He sighs. "I know it's a long shot, but I want to play baseball professionally. I want to prove him wrong. If I had to pick anything else…maybe a firefighter? A cop?"_

"_Are you just saying that because I did?"_

"_No, I've always liked that stuff. I've been watching T.J. Hooker for the past ten years."_

"_Really? T.J. Hooker is one of the lesser crime shows in my mind. It's almost to a point where I don't really like it. Miami Vice is good."_

"_Oh, yeah I've seen a few episodes."_

"_So your dad disowns you now because of this?"_

"_No, but he doesn't support it. Neither does my mom. She's a hygienist. What did your parents do?"_

"_My mom was a librarian. My dad works at a car dealership."_

"_Was? Lucy did she—?"_

"_Yeah. I was twelve."_

"_Oh, I'm sorry."_

_I always hated when people said they were sorry for a loss. Did you freaking kill them? Then why are you sorry? I guess it's common courtesy, but I was sick of hearing it. But I held my tongue because I didn't want this to end because of my temper. I didn't have to say anything anyway because it just started raining. It was a freak torrential downpour. We got up and started running back to the college's entrance. But he stopped me after a few minutes and kissed me. It was—_je ne sais quoi._ I can't explain it. _

"_David, I'm sorry. I don't want to go out with you."  
"You bitch!" He screamed and grabbed my shoulders. Would he kill me? He'd been at this for weeks. I told him no each time. _

"_Hey! What are you doing?" It was Brian. I wasn't talking to him after the date rape. David threw me to the floor. _

"_Nothing. Mind your own damn business!" David said._

"_Hey, stay back Dave. Leave her alone. She said no enough times, don't you think?" I tried to get up but he pushed me back down. "I'm going to go get one of the professors if you don't stop it, David. Now, go." Surprisingly, David backed down without a fight. Brian helped me up. "You okay?"_

"_Yeah. Thanks."_

"_Do you think you can give me another chance? I really am sorry."_

_I thought about it. After a few minutes, I said yes._

"_I want to drop charges against Brian Cassidy." I told the college director. "Look, he had no idea about the abuse I suffered. And you know that drinking happens on college campuses all the time so please don't bust him for that. He'd had too much. He never would have forced me into it otherwise. He's punishing himself for it more than you ever could."_

"_So you're blaming your abuse?" He said._

"_Yes. I was scared."_

"_Okay, I think we can drop it."_

"_Thank you."_

"_Lucy, I'm sorry but if you can forgive—"_

"_Why the hell did you have a thong in your apartment, Brian? You been cheating? Because it sure as hell ain't mine!"_

"_Look, I was drunk—"_

"_Oh, I _love _that excuse, Brian."_

"_Please, Lucy."_

_I walked out of his apartment. It was raining, but I was stubborn as hell. I wasn't going to let him cheat and keep me too, unless he really showed me he deserved it. I knew he was right behind me. He hugged me from behind. As if touching me was going to help his case. But he went in front of me and kissed me. Just like two years ago. It was all the same except for the situation._

"_Oh, fine." I said, giving in. "But only because it's raining."_

_I was in Massachusetts when I was shot. Brian was a New York City cop by then, on his way to being a Special Victims Unit detective, like he promised me. I had been with the FBI for 3 years by now. I was lucky I lived. The girl was insane. It was meant for my partner, but I went in front of her and ducked right when she shot. My partner had kids. I wasn't going to let them grow up without a mother or a mother on disability. It went straight through my shoulder._

_Someone had been kidnapping and shooting teen boys in small towns in Massachusetts. Everyone else on the team said, "Men take children, women take infants." But I kept insisting it was a woman. We eventually got a lead on where the kidnapped kid was because his mother installed a chip in his head. I had never thought twice about those, and deemed parents who installed them overprotective. But it was smart and saved his life. It turned out that this woman lost her son at age sixteen. He got into a car accident. She kept these kids for two weeks, which was how long her son was sixteen. Then she shot them. She didn't starve them or torture them either. She treated them like her own sons. Once we got to the house she was keeping the kids in, my partner and I went in. She drew her gun and put it to his head. "Leave or I shoot him and both of you."_

_My partner decided to pull the "nothing will happen to you if you put the gun down" card. She kept talking and the woman was getting tired of listening. She pointed her gun towards my partner. "Leave! I'll shoot you first! I swear!" She put her finger on the trigger, and instinct kicked in. I got shot. Once backup heard it, they ran in. The boy was safe, and so was my partner. They arrested the woman._

_My cousin and Brian flew in as soon as they could. "Lucy, are you okay?" I was drugged up so I wouldn't feel anything. _

"_Never better." Brian was right on the side of my hospital bed. "I love you, Brian." I never really was one to express it like that. I just assumed they'd know. He looked like he was going to cry. _

"_I love you, too, Lucy." He managed to get out. _

"_Don't cry. I'm still here. I'm not going to be on disability."_

"_I know," he said and kissed my hand. "Lucky Lucy." He said. I guess I was lucky. There were plenty of other cops who'd died under less dangerous situations._

"_We lost a good cop, Alex, I'm sorry." Joe's partner said. This was the one time I'd seen my cousin cry. She was always the shoulder I cried on. Her husband, Joe died. There were so many times I'd gone camping with Alex and Joe, Kevin and Theresa and Brian. They'd sing drinking songs—and I liked him as a cousin-in-law. Joe was a good guy and Alex loved him. The memorial service was so depressing. Brian went too and it was just—awful. I realized then how lucky I was to have survived being shot. They arrested someone, but my instinct said it wasn't him. But when he was arrested, it was the happiest Alex had been since he passed. I didn't want to burst her bubble butting into a case that wasn't even mine._

"_Brian, I'm sorry. But I think we're done."_

"_What? What did I do?"_

"_Nothing. Just hear me out, okay? I was chosen to go undercover for a prostitution ring. I said I would. I could be gone for five, maybe ten years. I'm going to be in California. I can't have any contact with you or anyone. I don't want to end us, really. But I can't trust—"_

"_Look, that was one time."_

"_I know, but it wouldn't even be a long distance relationship. I would be across the country."_

"_Lucy, please."_

"_I think we both know you can't handle that for that long."_

"_I promise I will."_

"_Brian, stop making this harder than it has to be."_

"_Hold on a second." He went into his room and brought out a baseball. "Remember this?"_

"_Yes." I remembered it like it was yesterday._

"_When you come back, I hope you come back to me. Please?" I didn't answer. I didn't know if he would still be what I wanted five years from now, or however long I'd be gone. Hell, he might not even want me then._

"_I'm sorry, Brian." I said._

"_Me too." He gave me the baseball. "Keep this to remember me."_

"_Okay." He hugged me and kissed my hair. _

_A few days passed and I had to go. I swore to myself this was the best thing for us. If he wanted us to be forever, he would've asked for my hand, wouldn't he have? I didn't know. On the plane, I kept replaying this song over and over again:_

I was sitting on my doorstep,  
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,  
But I knew I had to do it,  
And he wouldn't understand,  
So hard to see myself without him,  
I felt a piece of my heart break,  
But when you're standing at a crossroad,  
There's a choice you gotta make.  
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,  
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,  
And let go of some things I've loved,  
To get to the other side,  
I guess it's gonna break me down,  
Like falling when you try to fly,  
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,  
Starts with goodbye.  
I know there's a blue horizon,  
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,  
Getting there means leaving things behind,  
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.  
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,  
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,  
And let go of some things I've loved,  
To get to the other side,  
I guess it's gonna break me down,  
Like falling when you try to fly,  
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,  
Starts with goodbye.  
Time, time heals,  
The wounds that you feel,  
Somehow, right now.  
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,  
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,  
And let go of some things I've loved,  
To get to the other side,  
I guess it's gonna break me down,  
Like falling when you try to fly,  
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,  
Starts with goodbye,  
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,  
And let go of some things I've loved,  
To get to the other side,  
Starts with goodbye,  
The only way you try to find,  
Moving on with the rest of your life,  
Starts with goodbye,  
Na na na na na na na.

_It was sad, we had spent seven years together, and it was the longest relationship either of us had. But something told me that he wasn't the "one" or whatever the hell people call it. I knew there was something more. Alex asked me once before why we hadn't settled down and had kids if we were so in love. Truth be told, I wouldn't raise a dog with him. Not because I didn't think he'd be a good father—okay that was the only reason why. It sounds mean, but he didn't really like kids. And he wasn't going to ask me to marry him anytime soon. It was going to hurt for a while, but I'd get my mind off it by arresting some pimps and sex-deprived men who went to prostitutes and a cold one. I wasn't one to get that emotional. I had enough of that in my teen years. But I did honestly feel bad for Brian._


	12. We're Partners, Not Friends

_Note: Thanks to my friend, Kayleigh for giving me ideas for the past few chapters._

**Stabler POV  
**"Hey, Elliot!" Benson stopped me on my way out. "DNA results came back. It was David's semen on the sheets, but that wasn't his hair."

"Well, then who the hell else was there? Lucy didn't say anything about another attacker."

"I asked myself the same thing. Maybe he planted it there, and was going to ejaculate on her stomach or something but then just was filled with so much rage when he attacked her he didn't remember his plan."

"Huh, that's actually pretty good intuition. I knew Cragen didn't hire you for nothing." She gives me a look. "What? I thought that was a compliment."

"Whatever. You didn't get the nerve to ask her out yet, did you?"

"No, but after I got drunk I was stripping in her apartment…There's your reason not to drink."

She laughs and says, "Well, as rumor has it, her ex lives around here and he wants her back, so you better get on it."

"Who is her ex?"

"That's need-to-know, Elliot."

"Come on. We're partners."  
"Yeah, and I'm not supposed to keep my work life from you. My gossip is all to myself."

"Damn you."  
"Don't you have to pick her up?"

"Yeah, that's why I was leaving."

"Have fun." She winks at me and I roll my eyes.

"You're staying here?"

"Yeah, I want to make sure David was the only attacker. She deserves that much. And don't feel like you're not doing anything to help her either, because she's broken, no matter how much she doesn't want to face it, and you're probably helping her with that."

"Thanks." I said; kind of weirded out by the pep talk. I drive to MCS and she gets in my car. She doesn't have her jacket on, and her tank top reveals a bruise-looking thing on her shoulder.

"What's that?" I ask her, not positive that it is a bruise.

"What? On my shoulder? It's a bullet wound from six years ago."

"With the FBI?"

"Yeah. The woman was insane with grief. She wouldn't have shot me otherwise. I hope." She sighs and then smiles. "My friend used to joke around saying I should get a tattoo there, to cover it up or make it into something. But still, after all these years it hurts sometimes. Isn't that the weirdest thing? Well that's why I've never gotten one there."

"Do you have a tattoo though?"

"Yeah, it's my mom's name on my ankle." And then I remembered looking into her records and seeing her mom was deceased. Kimberly Rose Eames Smith. Eames was her maiden name, so I supposed that meant that her mother was Alex's father's sister. Lucy's life hadn't been good for a while and I wanted to be able to ease her pain. But I didn't know how.

**Smith POV  
**I can't believe Goren made me let that coke addicted psychopath flirt with me. I almost whacked the guy but I had to be "controlled" as Goren put it. Apparently he had some insight on this guy and knew that he liked to be in charge of his women. First, he asks me if I'm married or have a boyfriend. I almost wished it was a lie when I said no. Then he told me how men probably felt threatened by me because I was a cop. He was just lucky that I could drink today and that Goren promised me a cold one because otherwise I would've kicked his ass. So I played it off coy and asked him how he knew so much and he had the nerve to say that he listens to women. I asked him if that was how he kept women happy. This is what he tells me: "I listen when they tell me what they like, what they want and then I give it to them. I have a lot to give to the right woman. I'm going to walk out of here and, when it's appropriate, I'd like to call you. If that's okay with you." Then he reaches forward and strokes my finger…and I wonder what his wife is doing on the other side of the window. I let him keep his finger there for a minute, and then I pull my hand back and tell him we'll see what happens here. Thankfully, Goren comes in and says, "I think you've had enough of him, haven't you?"

"Oh, more than enough. He's all yours." I lean into the sick bastard's face and say, "You're not going to have the chance to call me because your ass is going to be in jail by the time we're done." And I stand up and walk out. I'm on the other side of the window now, and his wife is crying.

"What did we tell you?" I say. I can't believe this woman. She had to know he was cheating.

"Well, you're pretty and young. And you were asking for it in there." So now she's calling me a slut? "He really loves me. He's always loved me. Why would he stay with me otherwise?"

"Hmm. I don't know, maybe because you're more of a checkbook than a wife?"

"Oh, go to hell."

I sigh, holding my temper. "If there's anything you've seen that proves he was cheating, now's the time to tell me."

"He-he wouldn't cheat on me."

"Look, we have proof. I wasn't asking for it in there, and if this is how he acts in a police station, just imagine how far he gets in other situations."

"You've obviously been hurt by men. Henry wouldn't do that to me."

"Oh, really? Let's listen then." I turn on the sound.

"You know, I have a theory as to why small men like petite women. You want to hear it?" Goren says, obviously pissing Henry off.

"Not really."  
"Well, they're a snug fit for small men. You can feel like you have a Titan missile in your pocket." Goren starts laughing at his reaction, and I wish I could too, but it's not exactly polite.

"Oh, stop."

"Come on, you like petite women. My partner turned you on because not only was she letting you call the shots, she's petite. Right? You like it when you have control too? Come on, you're a small guy. What size shoe do you wear? I wear a 13." He puts his foot on the table. "You look like an 8, or a 9…"

"I'm an…oh I don't want to talk about this! Don't drag me into this!"

He tries to push Goren off and he laughs. "Oh, you got small hands too! Look, you couldn't hack in with the major law firms, you couldn't measure up…" He laughs again. "That's why you like to control your women. Why'd you kill them? You were worried that your wife would find out? One of them wanted to marry you?"

"I didn't kill them! The only thing you can arrest me for is coke possession!"

"Oh we'll do that, and we'll get you for murder one."

"I didn't do anything!" He makes it to the mirror. "Denise! Don't believe anything they tell you!"

She's really crying now. "I found women's clothes in his car one day. They weren't mine."

I walked back into the room. "Even your wife doesn't believe you now." I said. "She told me about clothes in your car that weren't hers."

"Damn it! Denise!" And he hits the mirror with enough force to break it. The guards come into arrest him.

"Well, now she gets to go home and tell her kids."

"Thanks for doing that by the way. Must've been odd, considering I bet you're used to working with more conventional detectives."

"I guess, but we wouldn't have gotten him otherwise."

"I guess not. Want some Germ-X?" I laugh. "What do some women see in coke addicted lawyers anyway?" He asks.

"I don't know. I really don't know. I was going to ask you the same thing."

"Boredom might play a part."

"Appearances definitely do not, at least not with him. He's not good-looking at all. You're going to say something awful after I say this, but I like my men tall."

He laughs and says, "I'm not surprised."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You're one of those who want to be protected but don't really know that she does."

"So now you're psychoanalyzing me too?"

"I am? I guess it's a force of a habit. But are you okay?"

"Oh, not this again. I'm fine."

"Lucy, you don't have to lie. I'm your partner."

"I'm not as good as I was, but I'm getting better."

"Have you been going to therapy?"

"Hell no."

"Lucy…"

"Therapy isn't going to help, Goren."

"Fine." He puts his hands up as if to say 'I surrender'.

"How'd it go?" Alex asks us.

"He's arrested. He'll most likely be convicted." Goren says.

"Lucy, can I talk to you?" I walk into her office. "How are you dealing with Goren?"

"He's…different. Not in a bad way…just not a typical detective."

"So you don't need me to change your partner?"

"No. We're fine."

"Okay. But if ever he does something—"

"He's my partner. I don't care if it was only for a month, he's my partner. He's a good guy."

"I know. I'm just worried. He comes on a little strong."

"Well, don't be. He's the least of my concerns." I sighed, knowing she'd know the answer to the question I had to ask. "Do you know where Brian went? Because after I went undercover, we obviously lost touch and I never really tried to get it back."

"He's in SVU now."

"Really? He made it!"

"Lucy, do you want him back?"

"I don't know."

"Well, since I've been over there, he's asked me five times when it'd be alright to call you."

I couldn't believe he'd held on for two years. "What did you say?"

"I said I'll talk it over with you."

"I don't know if he's still what I want…"

"Well, there's someone else in the running for you, and I promised I wouldn't say anything as to who he was, but just keep that in mind."

"What are you going to say to Brian?"

"I'll think of something." Who else could it be if not Brian? Goren? I hoped not. I know I said he was a good guy, but I didn't want to ruin our partnership with a relationship.

_Could it be Elliot?_


	13. Won't Go Home Without You

_Every night you cry yourself to sleep Thinking: "Why does this happen to me? Why does every moment have to be so hard?"_

**Stabler POV**

"What are you doing, Lucy?"

"Shh. I'm on my break." She tells me. I'm assuming she thinks I'm her partner.

"Lucy, it's Elliot." She turns around.

"Oh, I wasn't paying attention."

"But seriously what the hell are you looking up?"

"So suddenly you're illiterate?" She sighs. "There's this show I've been watching and they might not renew it for another season, so I've been looking for news on it and they still haven't decided."

"What show?"

"_Hannibal._"

"Wasn't that a movie?"

"Yes, but they made it into a show. You really haven't heard anything about this?"

"Oh wait, that Mikkelsen guy is in it, right? My daughter watches that."

"Which one?"

"Maureen."

"Really? It's pretty violent."

"It is?"

"No. It wouldn't be because it's named Hannibal and Hannibal isn't known for eating people or anything." She says sarcastically. I realized then how stupid I sounded.

"The real Hannibal didn't eat anyone. As a matter of fact he was an army leader." Her partner walks by.

"I was talking about the fictional character, Hannibal Lecter, as written by Thomas Harris, not Hannibal, the son of Hamilcar Barca, Goren. But thank you for the history lesson."

"You're welcome." He turns to me. "I don't think we've officially met. I'm Robert Goren, obviously Lucy's partner. All I know is your last name. Stabler, right?"  
"Elliot Stabler." I tell him. I hope to God he doesn't peg us as a couple because it's awkward enough not to know if I'm already giving it away too much by always hanging around.

"Can I talk to you over here for a second?" He asks me. I go, hoping he'll ask about the case or something, anything besides how I feel about Lucy.

"Look, Lucy's my partner and I worry about her and I don't think she needs you hanging over her shoulder all the time. You're always here."

Oh, here we go. "Is it that obvious?"

"Is what that obvious? That you're drooling over her like a lovesick puppy? Yes. It's very obvious." I sigh, feeling like I'm in high school again, getting yelled at by Kathy's parents for knocking her up. "Look, nobody's reasonable when they're in love, that's the whole point of it. Just keep her sanity in mind. Now go on, before it's obvious that we're talking about her." I wondered if Alex told him…

"Hey, wait a second. Did Alex tell you about this?"

"No."

I walk to her desk and say, "Hey, dinner's on me," hoping that it didn't come off as a romantic gesture.

**Smith POV**

Elliot forgot his phone in SVU (smooth) so we had to go back to get it. Part of me wanted to see Brian, but for the most part I really didn't want to see him because he'd probably ask to get back together…and I didn't want that. But I was distracted by a familiar face…and it wasn't Brian. "Is that…?"

"Is that who?"

"Melissa Delgato. She was a prostitute. Her mother forced her into it and left her there so she was completely psychotic. She beat me to the near death and I had a miscarriage. I was only there for a week when she did that."

"That sounds right. Sometimes we do Vice's work and arrest prostitutes when they get too backed up. But miscarriage?"

"Yeah. It had to have been my ex's. I didn't think he was responsible enough to take care of a kid anyway."

"Really, Elliot! Really?! You get her pregnant and beat her?" I didn't have to turn around to know it was Brian.

"What the hell are you talking about, Brian?"

"I'm talking about my girlfriend, Elliot. Now take a hike." He _did _want me back. Damn it.

"Okay, you misunderstood, Brian." Elliot said.

"No I didn't, Elliot. You leave Lucy alone, you hear me?"

"Look, Brian, she was talking about her ex's kid. She had a miscarriage undercover." I waited for it to click. "Oh, you must be…"

"I don't give a damn, Elliot! I heard you talking to Olivia about Lucy! About how you take her out now…"

"Guys! Stop it! Grow up, will you? I didn't expect this from you guys, especially you, Brian. We were done a long time ago." I just wanted to go home and cry in my pillow…it sounds childish and dramatic, but they were getting on my nerves. I walked out of SVU and Kayleigh called me. Apparently we had a gig at a bar that I completely forgot about. Brian apparently decided to go to the same bar. So I sang this and made sure he knew it was for him:

_I wanna wake where I was born and breathe the old air in  
I need a haunt from a ghost that I knew way back then  
Oh I hope they left the light on  
I want someone who knows me just to say my name  
To tell me though things are different now somehow I'm still the same  
Oh I can almost hear them calling  
I don't know if I'll be back again  
Turns out they were right again  
(Get back to what you know  
Get back to what you do)  
Gotta get back to me, ooooo  
If it's true home is where the heart is  
I guess now I'm homeless  
(Get back to what you know  
Get back to what you do)  
Gotta get back to me without you  
For two years I've lived my life way out on a limb  
I put my faith in you not knowing you would break in the end  
I hate feeling fallen  
I don't know if I'll be back again  
Turns out they were right again  
(Get back to what you know  
Get back to what you do)  
Gotta get back to me, ooooo  
If it's true home is where the heart is  
I guess now I'm homeless  
(Get back to what you know  
Get back to what you do)  
Gotta get back to me without you  
Oooooh  
Oooooh  
I added rain to your ocean  
What did it do, it meant nothing to you  
You made grief my chief emotion  
Why'd you have to do what you thought you had to do  
I don't know if I'll be back again  
Turns out they were right again  
(Get back to what you know  
Get back to what you do)  
Gotta get back to me, ooooo  
If it's true home is where the heart is  
I guess now I'm homeless  
(Get back to what you know  
Get back to what you do)  
Gotta get back to me without you  
The slow death of a slow dance  
The tailspin of a romance  
I gotta get back and breathe the old air in _

**Stabler POV**

_I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen  
She left before I had the chance to say  
Oh  
The words that would mend the things that were broken  
But now it's far too late, she's gone away  
Every night you cry yourself to sleep  
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?  
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"  
Hard to believe that  
It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you  
The taste of your breath, I'll never get over  
The noises that she made kept me awake  
Oh  
The weight of things that remained unspoken  
Built up so much it crushed us everyday  
Every night you cry yourself to sleep  
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?  
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"  
Hard to believe that  
It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you  
It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you  
Of all the things I felt but never really shown  
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go  
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh  
It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you  
It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you  
And I won't go home without you  
And I won't go home without you  
And I won't go home without you_

This came on the radio when I was driving home alone instead of with Lucy like I planned. She'd have a few more than she should…and it was a devious plan which would have worked if Brian didn't ruin it. I had no idea that it was him who was her ex. I shouldn't have been so stupid…

The song just made me wish I tried a little harder…and I didn't want to call Lucy, because she was either mad at me or Brian or both of us. So I called her cousin. She didn't know where she was, but she gave me the name of a bar that she usually plays at. I saw Brian already there.


	14. Don't You Wanna Stay?

_I watched you die I heard you cry every night in your sleep I was so young You should have known better than to lean on me You never thought of anyone else You just saw your pain And now I cry in the middle of the night For the same damn thing_

**Smith POV**

I woke up with three beer bottles on the table next to my couch. My face was sticky with tears, so either I cried myself to sleep or I drank myself into passing out. All I remembered was I was mad at Brian for picking a fight with Elliot…but I didn't really know why that bothered me. It came back to me then:

"_Lucy, I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions like that. I just was surprised to see you with him. Are you two—"_

"_No, Brian, we're just friends." _

"_So does that mean-?"_

"_No, Brian, it doesn't." For some reason he was really getting on my nerves. I knew then I didn't want him back. But I didn't know why. _

"_Why?"_

"_Brian, I've been dealing with a lot lately. You should know; you've been investigating the case." I said through a clenched jaw._

"_Are you mad because I didn't call?" I just wanted to move on…I realized while undercover I couldn't trust Brian and that was why I had always been on edge with him and wondering when he'd end it or cheat again. _

"_Brian, I told you we were done a long time ago. I didn't realize it meant for good at the time, but it does now. I'm sorry." But the awful part was that I wasn't really sorry._

I had always been taught to shove my emotions aside. No one really cared if you were broken and wanted to slit your wrists or if you were so happy and wanted to tell everyone in my house, before or after my mother passed. _But this is my life, _I thought. _And if I want to have a five hour crying session, I can. If I want to feel sorry for myself, I can. _

I didn't realize I was already crying until a tear hit my arm. I walked into my room and found the picture of my mother. It was on my bureau, in a frame. I had already cut my stepfather's face out of the picture, so it was just me at ten years old, and my mother. On impulse, I threw it at my mirror. I called my mother and stepfather every name under the sun and blamed them for trusting Brian all this time. I blamed them for being so weak…

And then I picked up the glass shards from the frame but I was blinded by the tears and I cut my hand open. I winced when I saw that it went deeper than I thought it would have. I felt my hand go numb, but I could still see the blood gushing from it. I heard the doorbell ring. I knew I had to go answer it.

I opened the door and it was Elliot. "What do you want? You know I'm off today." I said, trying to be as composed as possible, but it was hard to do considering my hand started throbbing now and there was no way he could miss the tears that still didn't dry of my face.

"I called you five times to apologize about yesterday, but you didn't answer. I was going to take you out to lunch to make up for yesterday's destroyed dinner plans…but considering the shape you're in, I don't think that's a good idea."

"What are you talking about? I'm fine." I sighed. "Just kidding." At this point, the door against my wound was not feeling anywhere near good.

"Can I come in?"

"Why not?" I said. I closed the door behind him and pulled my hand back from the door and gasped from the shock of pain.

"What happened to your hand? Jesus, Lucy. Why didn't you say anything?" He sighs. "Do you have any ACE bandages or something?"

"Maybe. Probably in the bathroom."

I sighed and sat down on the couch. He came back with the ACE bandages and sat down next to me and wrapped it for me. "Nice timing I had there, huh?" He says and smiles. I told him what happened.

Next thing I knew, his face was inches away from mine. I forgot who moved when, but it was completely silent except for our breathing and I could feel his breath on my face; we were that close. Was he going to kiss me? Before he could do that or pull away, I said, "I can see why you aren't a doctor. You suck at wrapping bandages." I smile, so he knows there's no offense intended. He laughs but doesn't pull away.

_Don't you wanna stay here a little while? Don't you wanna hold each other tight? Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight? Don't you wanna stay here a little while? We can make forever feel this way. Don't you wanna stay?_


	15. I'm Gonna Love You Through It

_I need a saving grace A hiding place I don't have forever or time to waste So don't let me be lonely._

**Stabler POV**

I didn't want to force her into anything…but she was right there and I might not get a chance like this again. I kissed her on the cheek. She looked taken aback, but relieved. I knew then I'd never get over the taste of her half-dried tears mixed with her skin. I wanted more… But I got a hold of myself, already knowing that if Eames was here she would slap me again. To my surprise, Lucy laughs and puts her fingers on her temples. "What?" I ask, almost laughing myself.

"When you were drunk, you told me you loved me. A little extreme, considering you've only known me for two weeks or so. But at least now I know that was partly true."

"I did? Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I was kind of distracted by the fact that you were freaking stripping in my apartment, and you wouldn't remember saying it anyway."

"Distracted? Meaning?" I said, again hoping I wasn't pushing too far again. She hits my arm. "I was kidding. Jesus, is violence the answer for your whole family?" I said, still not over the fact that Eames hit me in front of everyone.

"Actually, yes. As you know already, my stepfather took my mother's death out on me. My stepmother used to beat my father with her pantyhose when he was crying over my mother. That's according to my father, and he may or may not have been drunk that day he told me." She pauses and turns to me. "Why me? I'm a fucked-up total wreck of a person. I—" Before she can put herself down anymore, I take her in my arms.

"No, you're not."

"Just how would you know?"

"Because I've seen fucked-up total wrecks of people, and you're nothing like them."

"Oh, come on. Just because you've put away a few rapists and pedophiles doesn't mean you've seen all the fucked-up people in the world. We aren't all rapists and serial killers. Sometimes we're just victims with too much baggage in their past to sort through so we just—"

"Look, I'm not going to listen to you insult yourself. Do I have to kiss you to make you stop?" I teased.

She sighs. "So what does this make us now? Are we a couple or—?"

"I don't know. Let's take it slow, considering your cousin is on my case."

"Really? Alex is watching over all of this? What do you do, report back to her on how well I'm coping? I'd expect this from Kayleigh, hell, maybe even Andrea, but Alex? My God."

"No, it's not like that." I say, wishing I didn't say anything about her cousin. "She caught me saying something about having you over that night and she thought I actually slept with you. She slapped me in front of everyone in SVU and then I told her how nothing like that happened and I told her how I liked you more than a friend but I didn't know how far to push because of what happened." My phone rang then. It was Benson. "I know, alright, I'll be there." I sigh. "We're questioning your rapist." I tell Lucy.

"Can I go? I think it's the only way I'll get anywhere near closure. I know Olivia says there is no closure, but she wasn't the one who got raped."

"You know her mother was raped and they never found her rapist? And the rape is the reason why Olivia's here right now."

"I know. She told me, as if telling me about more pigs that roam the streets is going to help. I will never be the same…but I'm not going to let this ruin my life."

"Okay, I suppose you can come. You're not going to be in the actual interrogation room but you can watch from the mirror. If it gets to be too much, my boss will come in and we'll take a break."

_15 minutes later_

"David, there's no way you're not going to jail, so if you don't tell us if there's another attacker, you'll go down for this by yourself." Benson told him.

"She ran away. I don't know where she is."

"Who?" I said, getting more pissed off by the minute.

"My girlfriend. She sets this all up. First she finds the girl. We stalk her for a week, and then we attack. I rape, she kills."

"Who is she?" Benson asks, getting in his face.

"Jillian Markey. And lady, I'd appreciate it if you got the hell out of my face."

"It's not 'lady' it's Detective Benson. Where can we find this 'Jillian Markey'?"

"Wait, hold up. You do this all the time?" I ask.

"No, she does this all the time. Usually we kill the girl, but once I saw it was Lucy, I told her not to stab her in the chest. When I'm done raping them, I go through their stuff while Jill kills them. And Jill's in Massachusetts. Back in our hometown, Worcester."

"Did you ever touch her knife? Because if you did, there's no way you'll be off the hook for attempted murder." Benson says, meanwhile, I'm thinking for the first time how lucky Lucy was to have known the man.

"Never. It was her special knife. She used the same one for all of them."

Cragen comes in and tells me to come back out. I imagine it's about Lucy's reaction. Sure enough, she's shaking and close to crying. I hug her and kiss the top of her head. "I was investigating cases just like these with the FBI. They never found him. They were raped, and then they were whacked on the head, and then stabbed in the chest."

_When you're weak, I'll be strong. When you let go, I'll hold on. When you need to cry, I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes. When you feel lost and scared to death, like you can't take one more step. Just take my hand, together we can do it. I'm gonna love you through it._


	16. Ladykiller

_**Note: Special appearances from Criminal Minds characters. You're welcome, Kayleigh. I don't own them…but I wish I owned Reid. **___

_Oh, you better watch yourself I think that girl's insane Ooooh She's in it just to win it Don't trust her for a minute Ooooh It's like a cheap thriller She's such a ladykiller Baby she'll eat you alive, as soon as she smells your blood in the water You better run to survive, before she makes you her latest slaughter_

**Smith POV**

"The victims were all over the east coast. The first one was in Maine, and then it was Connecticut. After that there were two in Massachusetts and three in New Hampshire. Then there was one in Vermont I think…I have to call my old partner." I say, frustrated that I couldn't remember all of it. "We used to call this motive The Ladykiller. We didn't really think it _was _a lady who did the killing." I tell Benson and Stabler.

"Okay, well Munch is getting David to call Jillian. We'll get her DNA and hopefully it'll match the fingerprints on the knife. We tested David's DNA a while ago, and he's not lying. It doesn't match the prints on the knife." Benson says, amused. "I guess it really was her special knife. You okay?" She says to me.

"I'm getting better. I should go to therapy, especially considering I've had close ties with this motive for four freaking years, but I don't trust therapists."

"Why?" And Elliot has to explain to her that my stepfather was a therapist and that's how he found my mother. "Oh. Sorry." She says after. I give her a weak smile…not wanting to remember what my stepfather even looked like, never mind what he did. "We're going to have to call the FBI in here, or at least your old partner."

"I think I know the two people I'm going to call in here. My old partner and a friend I haven't talked to in way too long. He's with FBI too."

"He?" Elliot says on what I assume is impulse. "Sorry." I laugh, knowing that it's jealousy. And then I feel like a slut. Men don't get jealous when I talk to other men. This is going to take a lot of getting used to.

I call Jennifer, my old partner. "Hey, JJ!" I say, and realize this is the best I've felt in weeks.

"Oh my God. This is Lucy, isn't it? Are you still with the prostitution ring?"

"Nope. I'm in Major Case in New York City now. Do you remember The Ladykiller?"

"How could I forget? You find him up in New York yet?"

"Sort of. For one thing, it's an actual lady."

"What? What about the rape?"  
"Obviously that's done by a man. But he doesn't kill them. She does."

"Do you have either of them?"

"We have he. But we don't have she. And it's not even my case…it's a long story which I'll tell if you fly out with Reid to help. We need proof that it's the same people. The wounds are the same, from what I remember. And he said they do it all the time…"

"Okay, I'll try to come if Hotch will let us. Oh my God, I'm going to put you on speakerphone. Garcia thought you got killed but Reid and I, we always believed in you."

"Hey, I almost was killed. Three times in the prostitution ring alone."

"You're still here. Hold on a second, I have to get everyone in the same room. Don't say anything until I say hi again." I had to stifle a laugh because I could already see Garcia's reaction and Morgan telling her to calm down.

"What is it, JJ?" I heard Hotch's voice, and he probably wasn't in the best mood.

"We have to reopen The Ladykiller case. Lucy will tell you."

"Lucy? Lucy Smith?" I heard Garcia say. I couldn't hold back then and I said, "Yes, Lucille Smith."

"Oh my God, it is you!" Garcia says, and I can hear her threatening to cry.

"Calm down, Penelope." Morgan says. They were predictable in the funniest ways. "Hi, Lucy. It's been too long."

"I know."

"Lucy?" Reid, Prentiss and Rossi say at the same time.

"Yes, my God. You act like I'm Jesus or something." I say, but I'm laughing. "How are the books coming, Rossi? This might start a new one. It has an ironic name for the motive and there's a surviving victim."

"Really? And what is that?" And JJ fills him in.

"The Ladykiller…I thought we'd never find him…or her in this case now." Hotch says, and his mood actually seems like it improved. "God, we let you go for two years and you're solving all our unfinished serial killer cases. How the hell have we gotten anywhere without you?"

"Oh, stop. I'm not _that _good."

"Oh, Lucy. Humble as ever." Garcia says. "I'm sorry that I thought you died."

I laugh and say, "I can't believe you actually did think I died. Shame, Penelope."

"Can we fly out, please?" Reid asks.

"Fine. Bring at least five of the cases that are the strongest as to the motive and be back in three days. If we ever get them in other states, there's going to be a lot of court dates." Hotch says.

"I know. We have his DNA and we'll get hers so it's just a matter of testing them." I say.

"Okay. Bye Lucy!" They all say at same time and I realize I miss them. I didn't think I would, but I do.

_2 hours later_

I was at the airport and Reid and JJ got off the plane and hugged me. "Hey, what happened to your forehead?" Reid asks me.

"Oh, let's just say I was the surviving victim."

"Lucy! Why didn't you say anything?" JJ asks me.

"Because. And Jillian, the killer, she's here now. At SVU."

**Stabler POV  
**"Did you attempt to kill Lucy?" I ask Jillian.  
"No, I didn't."

"Well then who did? David's prints aren't on that knife."

"I don't know."

"Stop lying!" I said. I was tired, and all I wanted to do was go home with Lucy, but I knew this had to get done.

"Oh I love when men get worked up." And she puts her finger on my chest. I immediately pull away, not up for dealing with her bullshit. Benson pulls me over to the side of the room and tells me she'll take over. I find Lucy talking to her partners from the FBI.

"Oh, guys this is Elliot." She tells them. "Elliot, this is Jennifer Jareau but you can call her JJ, and that's Reid, and he knows freaking everything."

"Oh, stop. Come on, you are just like me. How else did you get in the FBI at the same age as me?"

She laughs and turns to me. "Can you help? We have to pull a lot more cases."

"Why not?"


	17. Hello World It's Me, Lucy

_Sometimes I feel as cold as steel and broken like I'm never going to heal. I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurled. Hello world. Sometimes I forget what living's for_ _and I hear my life through my front door and I'll be there. Oh I'm home again._

**Smith POV**

"Lucy!" I felt someone hitting my shoulder.

"What?" I say, opening my eyes a little bit. Then I realize I'm in Special Victims Unit, and Elliot's trying to wake me up. "Sorry. It's been a long day. What time is it now?"

"Nine thirty. We already have five cases that could be them, so the rest of your old team has been going there trying to test DNA samples."

Munch walks by then and stares at JJ walking by. "Who's this?"

"Munch, you're disgusting. Stop staring at her ass." Jeffries says.

JJ stops in her tracks and Elliot tells her he does it to everyone. That's partly true, I suppose.

"You guys make me sound like I'm some big pervert that should be locked up, yet you don't seem to notice I just put away a rapist. He's pleading guilty. Jillian isn't though."

"Oh, great. I'm going to have to testify." I say.

"You don't have to." Elliot tells me.

"I want them away for good. She'll just find another man to seduce into doing this with her if she gets let go." Reid comes over with coffee. "Thanks."

"So did you move out of your old apartment?" He asks me.

"No." I say.

"Why not? I wouldn't want to live in the place I got raped in." JJ questions.

"For one thing, it's my apartment and they aren't taking that away from me. Besides, I lived in the house where my stepfather not only molested me in, but lived in too. This is _nothing _compared to that."

"How are you holding up?"

I sigh, not realizing that when I told them this I'd have to go through the same thing I went through with everyone asking how I was. "Physically, I'll live. Emotionally, I'm not in the best frame of mind, but I never was to begin with. I don't sleep in my bed anymore, but at least I sleep."

"You can't sleep on your couch for your whole life." JJ says.

"Who says I can't?"

"It's not healthy." Reid says. "Have you been to therapy? Oh, right." He says as he remembers. "I do have a degree in psychology. I could try to psychoanalyze you a little bit."

"You don't have to do that." I say. "But thanks."

"Well, so far, you're denying that it ever happened. You're pushing everything to the side."

"No, she's not." Elliot says. "She's broken down a few times."

"Only with you?" He asks.

"As far as I know."

"So you want everyone else to think you're fine, but him. What role does he play in your life, anyway?"

"I don't know." I said. "Friend, I guess."

"So you trust him. Lucy Smith, trusting someone. Isn't that amazing, JJ?"

"It's not the Lucy I know. But I see the way he looks at you." And I thank God that he walked away to see how Benson was doing with Jillian.

"Yeah, kind of how your husband looks at you, JJ."

I scoffed. I didn't care if he kissed me, I didn't care about his sweet talk and how he insisted I wasn't a mess; I was a mess and there was no way anyone could love me. I'm better off alone, anyway. People suffer alone, people die alone. But I couldn't deny the way I felt when he kissed my cheek. I felt…cared for. He didn't want to push too far because of what I went through, but he didn't want to let a chance like that go by. It was a compromise. I asked him if we were a couple. Emotions got the better of me. Did I want him? No. I couldn't. I only knew him for a little over two weeks. I wish I didn't believe Reid. Relationships were never my strong suit. I couldn't tell when I should let go, I went back to Brian when I had proof he cheated... I was so Naïve. But that was back then…

"You guys are insane." I said to them. Speaking of insane, Brian walks in and says he was here to pick up Benson. Turned out he already moved on.

"Oh, wait, Lucy's here, even better," he says and walks over to me.

"You want to see my scar?"

"Want me to give you another one?" I say, my voice sardonic.

"Why so harsh?"

"Because I know where that scar is, Brian. And I'm not up for your games. You're already on to the next one."

"You will miss me."

"You're right. In fact I miss you now. I miss you being gone."

He walks away then. "I was wondering when you'd let him go." JJ says.

"Where exactly is that scar?" Reid asks. JJ gives him a look. "Oh! I get it now." We both start laughing.

"Hey, we've had a long day. Let's say we just go out and wait until tomorrow." JJ says.

"But you only have three days."

"We'll finish by then."

"Let's go." Stabler says.

_All the empty disappears I remember why I'm here Just surrender and believe I fall down on my knees Oh hello world._


	18. Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This

**Smith POV**

_I got home from school and the house was quiet. I hoped my stepfather had a patient so I wouldn't have to talk to him. It was awkward enough when my mother was there, and now that she passed, it had gotten even worse. I didn't like the way he looked at me. I walked into the kitchen and it turned out he was here. Damn. I tried to slip back out without him noticing but he turned around and said, "Lucille! I have something to show you." He had an almost sadistic smile plastered on his face. I sighed. _

"_Enlighten me."_

"_Oh, Lucille," I hated how he used my full name. No one calls me Lucille but him. "You are just too much. That dry humor, reminds me of your mother." He gets up and walks toward me. He tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear. I swallow hard and wonder what the hell his intentions are. "Okay, now I'll show you." He drags me by my arm down the hallway and throws me on his bed. _What the hell is he doing? _I thought. _He wouldn't…_ My thoughts stopped in their tracks when he unbuttoned my jeans. I tried to get away, but he had one hand firmly planted around my wrist and it hurt to move. He shoved himself into me and I broke into a cold sweat, wondering when it would end. _

_It ended after what felt like an eternity. He left and told me he had a patient. Where the hell was my stepsister? I remembered then that she had cheerleading practice. It hit me then. _I was just molested. _I could call my uncle…he was a cop. He'd put him away. The phone rang then, and it was my stepfather's practice. "You think of calling anyone, I'll kill you. Love you, Lucille," he said and hung up. I was scared now. I didn't call anyone. I knew he had a gun. I started crying and screaming and then I remembered I had to get my brother of the bus. _

"_Have you been crying?"_

"_No. Now go away."_

"_Oh that's right. You don't cry. I bet you were happy when mommy died. Daddy Steve told me you killed her."_

"_Go away before I whip your ass!" I screamed, not in the mood for his bullshit. "I didn't kill our mother, asshole! If you believe anything that son of a bitch told you, you really are as stupid as I thought! Now piss off, you little brat!" He ran upstairs, obviously freaked out because I swore and screamed at him like a lunatic. I wasn't supposed to swear…but those were my mother's rules. I took a shower, washing away my stepfather's bodily fluids. I didn't even want to think about what they were. It dawned on me then: I wasn't a virgin anymore. I could kiss that losing my virginity on my wedding night daydream goodbye. I felt sick to my stomach. I hoped he used a condom… He got home and I heard my brother telling him that I swore at him and called him the A word. My stepfather called me downstairs and I pretended I didn't hear him. _

"_Lucille, come on. If you don't I'll have to come up there and drag you by your hair, and you wouldn't want that, now would you?"_

_I sighed and went down the stairs. "What now?"_

"_Swearing isn't nice, Lucille. You should know better than that."_

"_Who are you to tell me what is and isn't nice? What about what you did, hmm?"_

"_That's our little secret, Lucille. You know what will happen if it gets out."_

_I sighed. "Bastard." I said._

"_What did you say?"_

"_Bastard. And I'll say it again, because that's what you are."_

"_Say it one more time, Lucille and I'll hurt you."_

"_Can I watch?" My brother says._

"_Go away, you stupid little brat." I said, my voice taking on a rough tone._

"_Bastard." I said again, and his fist came in contact with my jaw before I could even think about saying it again. It hurt like hell, but I hit him back, not caring if it didn't do any damage, just caring that I hit him._

"_Ouch." He says sarcastically. "I was going to take you all out to dinner but you can't go out looking like that, Lucille."_

"_You ruin everything, Lucy." My brother says._

"_I told you to go away, brat!" I screamed._

And I wake up in my sweat on my couch. I had dreams like that all the time, except they weren't dreams, they were actual memories. I bet Reid would have a good explanation for it, but I wasn't up for it. I just wanted to feel okay again. I didn't know how I was even going to approach that. Maybe Elliot…no. That would only make things worse because I'd get too involved and he'd find out that I really was a mess and he'd leave. Or maybe he was just as horny as the next guy and he'd sweet talk his way into getting what he wanted…and leave. I didn't know, but I didn't want to risk finding out. Yet I liked the way he held me, I liked it when he kissed my cheek…I sighed. I had more important things to do, like investigate my own case.

I made coffee and got ready for work. My hand didn't hurt as much, but I knew it would bleed if I took the bandage off, so I left it even though it looked like hell.


	19. Give Him A Chance

**Smith POV  
**"So he kissed you?" Kayleigh asks me.

"Isn't that what I just told you?"

"Yeah, but I'm surprised. Surprised that you let him, Lucy."

"What else was I supposed to do? Well, after that happened, I asked him if we were a couple."

"And?"  
"He said he doesn't know and to be honest, neither do I. I don't know if that's what I need right now, you know? I mean, he doesn't seem like he'd do what Brian did, but—"

"You'll never know if you don't try to find out. I think it'll take your mind off what's been going on."  
"Kayleigh…I don't think I can."

"Why not? It doesn't have to be forever, Lucy."

"What if I want forever?"

"So you do like him? I knew it."

"I don't know. It's been odd…if someone even does as much as brush their arm against mine I freak out and cry assault. But with him…"

"You like it." She finishes for me.

"Don't say it like that."

"Just give him a chance, Lucy. Lucille Rose Stabler…has a ring to it."

I hit her arm. "No, it doesn't."  
"Okay, maybe not. But seriously, give him a chance."

"Did I tell you about the time he got drunk?"

"No."

"Really?" I tell her the story.

"Oh my God. You're going to hate me after I say this, but how big was he?"

"Kayleigh! You're disgusting! You know what; you're going to hell with me now. You're freaking awful."

"I know, I know. But who says you're going to hell? You didn't ask for your virginity to be taken away, I had full control over whether or not I could lose mine. I just couldn't resist Vincent…"

I make a fake-gagging noise and say, "It's not just that. I've done a lot that I shouldn't have…"

"Oh, like being completely faithful to Brian when he cheated on you God knows how many times?"

"I'm not perfect, Kayleigh. I see stuff everyday that would make normal people want to throw up and I'm fine with it. Completely fine."

"Elliot does the same thing. The insane couple who doesn't actually kill anyone but they investigate murder and rape…"

"That's not it. When I was in the FBI whenever I went to a crime scene all I could think about was finding my mother dead. It got so bad I was almost kicked out. Remember I told you about this?" She nods and says she didn't think much of it. "So they found a way that I could investigate without actually going to the crime scene. But it was these cases that made me start going to the crime scenes. From there, it got easier."

"That has nothing to do with why you're holding back from Elliot."

"I know. Just me trying to avoid the inevitable."

"I've gotten a few of SVU's cases that he was on. He seems like a nice guy…that you have to go for before I set someone else up with him."

"Like who? I'm the only single one in our whatever-the-hell-you-call-it…unless Anthony's gay."

She laughs and says, "I've always thought he was, at the very least, bisexual. So anyway, the wedding is in four months. I need to pick out a goddamn dress but I told my mother and she says she's helping me. Yay." She rolls her eyes. "Next thing you know she'll be ranting about how she has no grandchildren."

"That's what they all do. But then just tell her that she'll be a grandma. It'll make her feel old and she won't rant as much, I'm assuming."

"Ha, I'll have to try that. But you better say yes if he asks you out. You are not going to sit around drinking all your problems away alone for the rest of your life while I'm getting married, Andrea's having kid after kid after kid, and Anthony's doing…what the hell is he doing?"

"The real question is who."

"You had to go there?"

"Most definitely. I'd assume he might hook up once in a while with sluts that go to the bars we play at, but it wouldn't be more than a one night stand. He has commitment issues…"

"Says you. You won't even give poor Elliot a chance. Can't you tell how worked up he's getting over you?"

"No. Men don't do that with me…"

"Are you scared? Lucy, you are. Goddamn it."

"Scared of what?"

"Love."

"Love doesn't exist, Kayleigh. I hate to break it to you because you're still in the honeymoon phase, but it's either lust, fear of being alone or boredom."

"How would you know that it doesn't exist if the only men you've had in your life was a psychopath of a stepfather, a cheating bastard of a boyfriend and a coincidental person-you-knew that turned out to be your rapist? Maybe it's time to let somebody else in."

_Yeah, I'm ready to feel now No longer am I afraid of the fall down It must be time to move on now Without the fear of how it might end I guess I'm ready to love again_


	20. Just A Kiss

**Smith POV**

"You know that looking at this stuff isn't good for me." I say to Alex, thinking about the woman we found who overdosed after we arrested her husband.

"What do you want me to do, fire you? You should have gone to therapy a long time ago but you wouldn't. Well, this is what you get now. You've been looking at this kind of stuff for almost ten years. I don't see why it affects you now."

"First of all, you know exactly why I haven't gone to therapy. And I think you've got a pretty good idea of why this case is affecting me this way."

"Look, Lucy, you're one of the best detectives I know. I'm not going to let you quit over this. Please, try to get it together."

"Fine…"

"If you don't, I will get you a therapist."

"Alright."

"Are you okay?"

"Alex, it was almost three weeks ago when it happened. I'm getting better…I guess. When it happened at first I thought 'this is nothing compared to what I had to deal with before' but it's still bad if not worse. They broke into my apartment…"

"They?"  
"I didn't tell you?" She shakes her head and I tell her about the case and how I used to investigate it.

"Lucy, that's…"

"Terrifying? Awful? Yeah, I know." I force a weak smile. "All these years, I never thought I'd investigate my own case."

"Life takes…odd turns."

"That's all you have to say to that?"

"I'm not a therapist. I can't give you the 'it'll get better' bull because you know I'm not like that. I don't know if it will get better."

"Forever the optimist."

"I can hope, though."

"Oh, how wonderful."

"Lucy, enough with the goddamn sarcasm."

"Haven't you heard? It's my trademark." I give her a wry smile and walk out of her office. I'm doing paperwork and I see Elliot out of my peripheral vision. What was he doing here...again?

"We found your guitar," he tells me.

"Really?" My attackers didn't bring the guitar that I had with me to my apartment; I guess they figured it would be too much to carry without getting noticed, even though my neighborhood is completely nonchalant about everything…wonderful.

"Yeah. You want to come get it?" I see Goren with his hand over his mouth like this is the funniest thing ever. I give him a look and nod to Elliot.

"I saw you got it signed by George Jones. Nice touch." Elliot says once we're in the car.

I smile and say, "It was my grandfather's. He won it in a contest. He's the reason why I still play music, country music, at that." I sighed. "I've been drinking a lot more than I usually do and I just bought a pack of cigarettes the other day. Five years; cold turkey. So much for that."

He looks at me sympathetically, but sympathy isn't what I want. I want to be okay.

"Give me the cigarettes."

"What?"

"You can't smoke them if you don't have them. Give them to me."

"You do realize I can buy more."

"I know. But everyday, I'll go through with this with you. I wasn't lying when I told you I was going to be there every step of the way. While you're at it, give me your lighter too."

I sigh and hand both over. "Happy?"

"No. How am I supposed to stop you from drinking now? Looks like you'll have to spend the night at my house…"

I bite my lip. "Or I could just go to Alcoholics Anonymous."

"I try to be nice…"

"Look, it's obvious now that you'd rather be more than friends. And I'm just not sure if I'd be any good in a relationship right now."

"Lucy, I know. I really should hold back, and I hate myself for looking at you the way I do." He leans over and tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear. "You don't have to feel the same way. It's okay. You've got enough on your plate. But if you do… Please let me know."

"Elliot…" He lets his hand run over my cheek. He leans in and kisses me. I'm taken aback, but I kiss him back, not thinking about how I truthfully didn't ask for this, and he really shouldn't have done this.

He pulls away and says, "Tell me when to stop."

He presses his lips back onto mine and I let him kiss me. It'd been a while since I'd been kissed like this. It felt good. I pulled away after a while and told him to stop.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"I obviously wanted it too; I could've pulled away anytime I wanted."

"I still forced it on you."

"Calm down. I'm not mad."

"Why did you tell me to stop then?"

"I didn't want to go too far…"

He nods. "Let's get your guitar, and how does dinner sound?"

"Fantastic."


End file.
